The Real Michael Newman

Yay! Something I wrote!

Small talk
I used to hate small talk. The “Hey, what’s up?” and the obligatory “Fine!”, “Nothing much!”, “I’m good!” “THKS!!!” etc, yada yada, drove me crazy.
I didn’t want small talk. I wanted big talk. You want to know how I’m doing? I’ll give it to you straight up. I’ve been in my head for too long. I’m fucking exhausted. I just had some hot nasty sex and I feel incredible. My feet smell bad and it’s driving me crazy. We’re gonna make a connection and we’re gonna do it by getting real.
Years ago, a therapist told me that small talk is still a connection. It’s an implicit, “Hey, I don’t know you that well, but I still want to make a connection to you even if it’s small. I would rather acknowledge your existence with some perfunctory statements rather that have us awkwardly stare at each other as we pass in the hall.” And I say, “Hey, thanks. I don’t have time to tell you about my feet, but thanks for acknowledging me. I acknowledge you too. Maybe someday we can get real, but until then, I’m great THKS!!!!!!”
My neighbor gives it to me straight up. Every time I ask her how she’s doing she says, “Bad.” Of course she’s doing bad. She’s 93 years old. But this woman still makes the 20 minute plus walks to the grocery store and to CVS to get her medication. Yesterday, when I got home, she was on the porch, lounging on a lawn chair and beside her were two empty wine glasses. I asked her how she was; she said she was bad. So sometimes you reach an age where even alcohol doesn’t help.
Mitchell’s About Me section on OKCupid

Hi everyone! These things are always difficult to fill out. Who likes talking about themselves lol!? I hope all the womyn out there are having a great day. I just had a bologna sandwich I made from home and now I’m drinking hot green tea (Celestial Seasonings, for those of you who are curious). I’m eating at my desk at work. Oh, and to let you know, I’m boring.

I know I’m boring. I’m simple and don’t need a lot of fuss and I’m proud of that lol.

I like socks. I don’t care if they are warm or cold. I just like socks. I don’t have to be wearing them either. I like going to Payless and looking at all the socks. I don’t buy any because I have plenty at home. Plenty of black socks and white socks that I bought 11 years ago and they still hold up pretty well. I don’t need a lot of stuff.

I’m not a foodie. I eat food to live, and I don’t get too excited about it. I buy Red Delicious apples and Baby Ruths each week; these are like candy to me lol. I like soup. I don’t put crackers in soup. I don’t like to mix them. It’s like mixing magic, which I know you are not supposed to do lol.

So far, I have not met any womyn through OKCupid. I like to see womyn’s profiles and I get excited when I see that someone has looked at my profile. One day, I saw that three womyn looked at my profile on a single day! And they were kind of attractive, if I do say so myself. That was a great day lol.

You may be thinking, hey this guy doesn’t know how to spell women. Au contraire, mon frere! One time, I read a profile where a woman referred to herself as a womyn. Wha?!?! Doesn’t she know how to spell, I thought. And she was attractive too so I thought, what’s the deal? But I looked it up and apparently she is such a feminist that she doesn’t even like the word men in the word women. So I’m going to call myself a myn because I don’t like men to be in my name. I did that for a week on my profile. I said, Hi, I’m Mitchell and I’m a myn (lol, jk). I didn’t get any responses. I put it in bold. Still, no womyn or women responded.

I miss Circuit City. I always liked it better than Best Buy. But I go there anyway. I just don’t buy anything. I think it’s BEST not to BUY anything at BEST BUY lol.

I consider myself a family man. But I don’t have a family lol. Help! 

On the weekends, I go to the gym. I walk/jog on the treadmill for one hour. I don’t do any weight machines because I don’t know how to use any of them. I don’t want to get hurt lmao!

I am proud to say that I have never downloaded anything illegally from the internet. In fact, I have never downloaded anything at all from the internet. I have never shopped online. I use the Internet to check my Hotmail account, read USA Today, play Bejeweled, look at profiles on OKCupid, and that’s it. I’m terrified of downloading a virus or sickness. I don’t want to get a CTD (a cyber transmitted disease). Don’t worry, I do not have any STDs. Believe me. There is no way I have any at all lmao.

Sometimes I would like to do something wild. I would like to go on vacation to some wild beach. When I was a kid, we took a trip to the beach and I got a really bad sunburn. My skin peeled off my back and face and it was very painful. Kids at school made fun of my peeling skin. We went to the beach a few more times, but I always sat in the car with the door open and read. Yep, boring, but I had an OK time.

Well, my lunch is break is coming to a close, so that means I should get back to work. I hope all the women and womyn are having a great day and feel free to send me a message. Let’s go out and make that family I don’t have lol. Don’t be shy lol (being shy is painful).


Kill us now.


Kill us now.

The brief case for male circumcision

It just looks better. A circumcised penis looks cleaner and solid. An uncircumcised penis is like a lump of clay; a circumcised penis is the statue of David. Foreskin is like a pair of faded jeans that needs to be donated to Goodwill.

They say it takes away sensation during sexual activity. If I my penis had any more sensation to make sex even slightly more appealing, I’d never get any work done. In fact, I don’t get as much work done. But I don’t think I’ll do anymore cutting.  

I’m the 31 year-old American male who watches porn and for the first time, I’m telling the story in my words

I’d like to thank Belle Knox, the stage name of the Duke University student for her brilliant and empowering essays regarding her career in the adult film industry and her refusal to feel shame for her involvement in it. Both pieces do much to chip away at our society’s default setting of shaming female sexuality (and sexuality in general) as well as bring to light the hate and hypocrisy we have regarding someone who embraces a sexuality that is not the norm.

I too have been marginalized and threatened for my progressive attitudes towards pornography and my own sexuality. No longer will I let myself feel shame. I am a 31 year-old American male and I watch pornographic movies.

Recently, I accidentally Liked a video on (Ashlee Gives foot Job), thereby having it post on my Facebook wall. I was inundated with cruel jokes and threats to defriend me. Here are few examples of recent Twitter posts, deemed to be “funny”:

  • Got SO much snow melt on my boots today!!! Oh wait, it was just @therealmikenew ;)

  • @redtube has @therealmikenew crashed your servers?

  • @shoegasm don’t let @therealmikenew “come” inside your store! he is #builttospill

I considered making some self-deprecating jokes or explaining some elaborate ruse about my cat hitting the “wrong” buttons. Then I read Belle Knox’s essays.

I watch porn. And I jack off when I do so.

People have been asking me, “What is it about porn that you like?” I like to see and hear attractive people having sex; it gives me an erection. Then I like to stimulate my penis so that I have an ejaculation. It feels really good. Why should I not tell the world when I do this?

I’m a decent well-meaning flawed person. I’m not a pervert and I’m not gross. I always volunteer to help my friends when they move. Sometimes I drink too much. I like outdoor activities like hiking and wind surfing. I’m not a “foot cum freak.” I am a man who likes orgasms and I like to unwind with some porn–that includes foot stuff. I’m you.

“But Michael, isn’t porn demeaning to women?” Belle already addressed this more eloquently than I could. And honestly, I’m just not into porn–real or staged–with even a hint of violence or humiliation toward a woman. I’m more into amateur voyeur stuff. Like hidden cameras showing couples having sex. And femdom foot worship. And mall and toilet cams (Check out Pauline Blart: Mall Cock)

What is so funny about watching porn when millions of people around the world do it? The video Ashlee Gives foot Job as of now, has 5,405,234 views. We are strong and our numbers are huge (disclaimer: I am 103 of those views).

Belle Knox, thank you for starting this dialogue. I greatly admire your courage and am sickened by the vitriol you have received. Know that you are not alone because many others and myself know your plight. We are supposed to feel shame for embracing pornography. Well, no more. Your fantastic and thought-provoking essays exemplify how in touch you are with your intellect and sexuality. I too aspire to be in touch with myself; I do so by touching myself.




Marge is such a great mom

She gets it. 

Hee hee!

I'm working a job I hate because the job market sucks and its taking a toll on my mental health. I really wanna quit and just work on my comic book full time but I can't afford it. Telling myself to suck it up isn't working anymore. Any advice?


You can do both.  work to live during the day and live for your art at night

In fact, you should make a comic about your shitty job and your mental health. not only will you be getting it all out of your system but will be taking something crap and turning it into something you love.

 many many people have done this.  Mike Judge, Roberta Gregory…

 that is where my graphic novel fortune and glory came from. I hated what I was doing so I wrote it all down and it turned into something positive.


Holiday Dance Party at the PIT!!!